20 years!!

Today I celebrate being married to this wonderful man. We look so young! Where has the time gone? Can it really be 20 years? He has seen the best of me and he has seen the very worst of me and he has stayed by my side! I am so very blessed to be married to him. We are planning to get away this weekend to a bed and breakfast in Michigan. A big trip will have to wait. Maybe for our 25th! Maybe it will be even later than that. Doesn't matter. Just looking forward to getting away just the two of us before it becomes the 7 of us!
I love you, Honey!!! You are the best!!

Stork

This picture was taken on Dec. 7th when our LOA (letter of approval from China) was delivered, but I used my sons camera and he finally got the file on my computer.
I had to have this picture! Thankfully this man understood what I was doing. It wasn't his first stork encounter. He said the last person that took his picture had the same smile I did!
I have watched Fedex trucks go by and long for them to stop at my home. I have read the blogs and seen people post a picture just like this. It seemed so surreal to finally have the Fedex truck stop at my house! I have waited a long time to post this milestone in our adoption journey! Praise God this is really happening!!

LOA!!!!!!

Finally after 90 days of waiting (which unforunately is the average right now,) we received our "Letter of Approval" from China. We also received our fingerprint appointment!!!! It is Dec. 15th!!! I was hoping before Christmas so this is awesome!!! I was so afraid that this fingerprinting my oldest son would slow things down, but it really shouldn't too much. Between this issue and the holidays I800 approval will not be as quick as the average wait(around 21 days). I would like to think that we would receive it before the end of the year, but if not, it shouldn't be too long after the new year!! Still serveral steps to go, but we are finally moving forward. WHEN? Yes, that is the million dollar question. Maybe we will travel around the beginning of March. I will know more after we receive our I800 approval.
Oh happy day!!! I hear China is lovely in the Spring!! :)

Pictures!!

She is growing and I am not there to see the changes. :( Her update reveals that she is really taking off in her development as well. She only said a few words and now she is saying many words and short sentences. I found out that she has been with the same foster parents since she was abandoned. Makes my heart happy that she is being loved and being taken care of so well.
Hope to get my LOA and fingerprint appointment soon.

Spring

Yes, I know we are just barely to winter, but this is what will help me get through the winter. China is lovely in the spring!! It is the motto that a friend and I have right now. :)
This week has been an adventure. It is one I didn't handle well, but I made it to the other side. Our I800a supplements 1 and 3 are now in Texas and hopefully will move very quickly to the hands of my officer so we can get a fingerprint appointment for our son who will soon be turning 18. My hope is that we can get this done before Christmas. We finally found out that we are "in process" so hopefully in 2-4 weeks we will finally have our long awaited LOA! (Letter of approval from China) It has been over 60 days now since we have been waiting for it. But even when we receive our LOA we have to wait until our sons fingerprints are approved before we can go any further in the process. So with the holidays to slow things down and around 12 week wait after fingerprints are approved to get all the steps done to get to Renee, it will probably be spring until we travel.
Below is a song called "Beauty will Rise." There is another song by this same artist called "Spring is coming" but I didn't like any of the youtube videos for it. This is another song he wrote after the death of his adopted daughter. It is a song that has brought comfort after the failed adoption from Nepal. It has that same idea that spring is coming. Joy is coming after the lost. It will rise right from the very thing that once brought pain. It is a song I will be singing all winter long!

9 months

Yup! That's what the ticker at the right says. It has been 9 months exactly since we were officially accepted into the China program. Well Renee, on this 9 month anniversary, your mama lost it. Your oldest brother is about to become an adult and the hoops I have to jump through so that we can complete this adoption are sending me over the edge.

I had to take him to the doctor office to get a TB test and tomorrow for the 6th time I have to go and get a back ground check done. Not for me or your father, but your brother who the government, even though I still pay the bills and still mother and help him finish high school, says that he is an adult! In another month I have to take him to the USCIS office (for the 3rd time) to get him fingerprinted! I am back in the hurry up mode, so I can wait some more.
When I finally am able to see your beautiful face and if you ever throw yourself on the floor having a tantrum, I will remember these days and the times I too wanted to act like a toddler. I will try to remember these helpless feelings I am having right now and have compassion toward you and gentle help you through your rage. Your world will soon be turned upside down. I guess it is only fair that my world be turned upside down as well.

Traffic, culture shock, and Jet lag!! Oh My!

Between culture shock and jet lag, I just haven't been able to put my thoughts together to write a post. We had an amazing time in Nepal and getting to know Soney's family. They welcomed us with open arms. Soney's parents have a very nice home and we were very comfortable, but there was nothing else that was familar. I was so proud of my son who did amazing. I think the culture shock got to me sooner than it did him.
Soney's wedding was not at all what I expected. Her parties, which there were many of them, were fun and celebrative. I had watched Nepali weddings on youtube and I was prepared for some of what would happen at her wedding, but it is so different than an American wedding.
Here are some pictures.

(I am adding these thoughts a month later. I am finding that getting out of my comfort zone is a challenge for me. It has taken distance from this event to really enjoy just what we experienced in Nepal. We were so blessed to be able to have this opprotunity. We never thought when we started this adoption journey that things would lead us to Soney. We may not have adopted officially from Nepal, but we have an adopted daughter from Nepal who is so very special. To have been invited and allowed the previledge to be with her on her wedding day was amazing. The family was amazing and we enjoyed being around them. It was hard for me to be in a culture where I am different and I don't understand the language. It is not hard for my husband and he did a much better job at trying to interact with everyone. I found myself pulling away at times because it became too much for me.(I hope people didn't feel that I didn't want to be around them. I enjoyed the people in Nepal so much.) Even when I returned I just couldn't put my thoughts into words. Soney's brother Sunny and his friends were so wonderful to take us places. They truly wanted us to have a good time. We most certainly did have a good time. We were not tourists. We were there seeing through the eyss of those who live there. I am sure that I gave everyone many laughs because of the way I acted as an American. It is a very strange thing to be in the minority. It has given me an appreciation for those here in America who come here to make a life for themselves and they are in the minority. The people of Nepal are very special people and I hope that I will continue to be accepted by them and they will forgive my American ways. I am by no means better than them. I hope that we can accept each others as equals. I truly love being around the Nepalese culture and look forward to meeting more and more people.)
I shared before I left that I wasn't sure how it would be to be in Nepal after adoptions were shut down. Of course when I saw little girls I wondered what my daughter would have looked like if we would have been allowed to adopt a 2 year old. When we were leaving Nepal at the airport, I started thinking about what it would have been like to be taking our daughter home with us from Nepal. It was like shadows of what would have been. I will always wonder about these things. I wish we could have adopted from here. There is a little girl in Nepal that will never be my daughter, but I was not sad like I thought I would be. My daughter is in China. She is there waiting for us to come and bring her home. I would not be going to get her if it was not for the time we spent in the Nepal program. When we were starting our homestudy for the Nepal program, her birth mother was just finding out she was pregnant. When she was born our homestudy was done and waiting for the Nepal government to process our documents. In Aug when our government stopped adoptions from Nepal, she was 6 months old. When we started with the China program she had her first birthday. She was not released for adoption until she was 18 months old. We had just dropped our age that we were open to adopting to 18 months. She is our daughter. She has experienced loss. I feel that through our journey of grief and loss that we were given a special gift of compassion because of what we have gone through. My prayer is that these years have prepared me to deal with the loss and grief that my little girl has gone through and will go through in the future.
We are around 40 days into our wait for our LOA. We could be half way through our wait or we might not even be half way yet. Maybe we only have 20 more days. (wishful thinking, but a girl can dream)
My latest realization is that we are going to have to submit an I-800a supplement. This means more paperwork and more money. My oldest son will be turning 18 before we can bring our daughter home. The government wants every adult in the home to be fingerprinted. UGH!!! He is my son. He is not another adult in the house. Some days I feel he is not even close to being an adult. Other days I am shocked at how close we really are to him being an adult. Why couldn't he have a Mar or April birthday. Of course that my not even be good enought if our LOA takes 130 days to come! OK, before I get myself too worked up, I better stop and just enjoy each day of this journey. Fretting about the future does not make it come any sooner. I will live each day one day at a time and try to deal with things as they come. Believe me I have much to do before my Renee gets here.

Where do I even begin?

Sorry it has taken me so long to post anything. We have been kept very busy and then when I have had time I felt like I couldn't put my thoughts together.
Many of you probably heard about the plane crash in Nepal. The crash happened the same day we flew into Nepal, so I had a few friends that were concerned. We actually had same mountain plane ride scheduled by the family we are staying with, but this is the 3rd plane to have an accident and they cancelled the trip because they were concerned for us.
We arrived in Nepal on Sunday and besides having to run through London Heathow airport, because the plane was late and we had one hour to get from one terminal to another, things went very smoothly. Soney's brother and husband to be picked us up at the airport. Before we even left the airport we could tell that this was going to be an interesting ride, but I had no idea what we were in for. They drive on the left side of the road like England does, but that is only if it suits them. There are no lines on the road except for one or two main roads that we saw later and even then no one obeyed them. Only on the roads with lines did we see any stop lights. There are no stop signs. Basically there are no rules for driving in Nepal. People, bikes, motor bikes, buses and cars all use road and nobody seems to care where they travel. For a little while there may be 3 lanes of traffic then someone makes another lane because nothing is coming from the other direction. Bikes are traveling right between the cars. People just walking across the road how ever they want There are no crosswalks. To keep cars on their side of the road they have placed in some places cement blocks down the center of road. Then you get to a road that looks more like an ally that we would only let cars go one direction and it is a two way road. When you come to another car, they have to inch their way past each other with inches on the one side of hitting the wall and inches on the other side of hitting the side mirrors. We laughed the whole way to Soney's house. We were not afraid, just shocked.
Soney's house has five levels. Each level has two rooms and a landing area in the middle. The 4th level has a balcony and then you go up a ladder to the 5th level where their water tank is and the hot water heater is that is powered by solar panels. No sun, no hot water! It was sunny when we arrived and I had a nice shower, but it rain later in the day and the whole next day. So no hot water today. :) Here is a view from her balcony.

The next day we went to Shankar's parent's house (who will be Soney's husband) Again it was an interesting car ride. Even if a place is only a few miles away, the traffic is so bad it takes much longer. When we arrive back at Soney's house we have to quickly get ready for her bride party. Her mother has had a sari designed for me. First I have to go downstairs to a beauty salon and have my hair put up along with Soney and her mother. Then they leave me to finish getting ready while my hair is done. Since Soney is gone I have no way to communicate. After I am done I go back looking for Soney and they find someone to help me get into my sari. Again I have no way to communicate and it was very funny them trying to tell me what to do. Then we are taken to the Raddison hotel where the party is to be. There are chairs on the stage and Soney sits in the middle one and close girl relatives sit on stage with her. So I sit next to her and get pulled into many pictures. Friends and family memebers of the bride come up to give her gifts. Most people bring money in a envelope. She has a tray in front of her that she places the gift on after she accepts. It was a very modern setting and a saw a ride variety of how people dress. Most in a sari, but there were girls that dressed very western as well. There was dancing at the end and the music was not Nepali, but many were popular Americans songs. Some from the past, but there was one that I know is popular now in America. Not Nepali dancing either. I am seeing that like most big cities true Nepali traditions are being replaced by modern ones.
Today was when my jet lag kicked in alittle. We didn't do much except hang out with Soney and her family and that was really nice. We needed a down day. Tomorrow we are going to go an hour and a half out of city to hope to see Mt. Everest. That is if the weather will be sunny. There is no point going if it is cloudy. Then we will come back and have lunch and go downtown where temples are at and shopping. The family has been wonderful about feeding us. They do not want us to eat at resturants and get sick.
That's all for now. I need to go to sleep. Enjoy the pictures.

Nepal here we come!

I can't believe the day is almost here! I am not one extreme or the other (excited or scared), just ready to go. I feel we are as ready as we can be and just waiting to leave just makes me crazy. I then start to wonder if we did forget something. It is hard to leave my 3 boys behind. (Nathan is travel with us.) They will be fine. Their week is planned out for them, but I will miss them. My youngest especially is hard to leave. We played card games and read a book together tonight. My husband put notes in envelopes for the kids to open on different days we are gone with a message from us and a surprise. Shhhhh! Don't tell. :)
My nerves are going right now, so it is hard to reflect over these past 3 1/2 years. When I am there and it is more real then I will be in a better frame of mind. I hope to post pictures and more thoughts. Thanks for following.

I love alphabet soup!

Yes, it is fall and time to enjoy the warmth of soup again, but that is not what I mean by this statement. When we were with the Nepal program, you were to get a referral and then wait to learn when you would travel. (there might have been more steps, but nothing was ever stable and predictable and of cource we never got to any of these stages) When we started with the China program, I did not understand all the steps or what all the letters meant. I found it funny, but at the same time I wanted to join the club and see the letters come together that would get us to the end of the journey and our daughter in our arms. In May we started the letter game. But now I decided to think of it as a nice bowl of alphabet soup. The letters spelled DTC first, then we were LID, then after many months longer than I wanted, we finally were LOI. Well, I have new letters today. PA baby!! Let the wait for our LOA begin!!! I think I will go enjoy a nice bowl of alphabet soup and maybe I will find that LOA! LOL!!! (sorry if it is too silly, just where my mind is going now)

Thanks Friend!!

I just pulled out a very special box tonight! Over a year ago, maybe even longer, I was helping a friend who was having a garage sale to raise money for her adoption. We knew at that time we were hoping to get matched with a 2-3 year old girl from Nepal. So she gave me a box of 2T clothes! I really thought that the clothes she was giving me were too small. But she was sure that was the size we needed. When we switched to China I really thought we would adopt a 4 year old. I knew we would never use those clothes. Now here we are matched with an 18 month old! Thanks, Jen!!! They are just what we need!! There is an adorable white dress and pink spring coat with matching hat that I see on a beautiful China girl come next spring!
I also had another box of clothes and blanket that I had collected during the wait. It wasn't very big, but I remember a day that I was at a garage sale and I just had to buy a few things. It is my "I'm believing God box!" It really is very small. I don't think that I thought I would collect very many things. See I thought we would have her home long ago. It was so fun to take those little girl clothes out and remember when I felt funny looking in the girl section of the garage sale. I didn't feel like I belonged there. I just had to do something to make it seem real that we were really going to adopt. I thought we had waited so long already. Little did I know just how long we would wait. This box was buried in the bottom of my closet, push back so I couldn't see it. What fun to find it when I was looking for my shoes!! I have had people ask me if I had pulled it out yet. Yes, I have! So happy to have these special clothes.
It is going to be so much longer than I want it to be, but I am coming for you my sweet Renee!!!

I need your help

Many of you know me by the nickname "Mama of 4 boys" I can't keep this name now! What should I change it to? I am not good at thinking up nicknames.
Things are just setting in that I am a mom of a beautiful little 18 month old girl!!! Other friends will think of things before I do. I have a friend who adopted 2 foster kids. She shared she can't wait til our daughters play together. This is a big deal because most of my friends kids are older. Such an exciting thing to think about. Others have asked me questions that I haven't even thought about. I have no idea what the answer is right now!! What an excited time this is!

I can see the sun shining over the mountain!

On Aug. 30th our phone rang! Our agency said in a very happy voice, "I have a referral for you!" I wanted to cry. It was 2pm and I had expected the call at 12pm. I was a mess. The shared list had come out the night before. I felt strongly we would be matched since we were at the top of the list, but I was scared the girl would have too many needs and we would have to say no again. But by this time(2 hours of waiting), even though it was still early, I was starting to give up hope of even getting a call.
She was not from the shared list. She was designated to our agency. Since the list was coming out soon they waited to call to just take a look at the list first. For those waiting, I don't think that list had very many minor special needs. We were at the top of the list and they found nothing for us. Well, I guess I should say that they didn't find anything that fit better than this girl. But we are not open to cleft lip/palate and our medical issues are very minor. They never tell us much about the lists so I don't have any facts.
Here she is!! Renee Wanya Marie Welling! Her Chinese name is WanYa. Birthday: Feb. 15, 2010. She is 18 months old!

Her Chinese name is very significant to us. Two months after our Nepal adoption failed, my husbands mother died of cancer. We have always planned that our daughters middle name would be my mother-in-laws middle name. What is significant is that my mother-in-laws name was Wanda Marie. Do you see it? My husband saw it right away. Our daughter will not only carry my mother-in-laws middle name, but Renee's Chinese name is amazingly simular to her first name as well! Wan means tender and Ya means graceful.
Now the question is, will be the lucky ones or will we join the century club? What do I mean by this? The next thing we will be waiting for is the China government issuing us our Letter of Approval (LOA). Some people are receiving this in 30-60 days, but there are some families that have waited over 100 days!!! The century club is not a club I want any part of. I show people her picure and the first thing people will say is, "when will you go get her?" I usually laugh first and then try to explain how I really have no idea. I hope by Feb. or Mar., but there is no way of knowing until we receive our LOA.
I want to be very honest right now and say that it was a very hard week last week. I did not instantly know that she was our daughter. There is no medical need. Her special need is slow motor development. There are two questions I have. Don't all children who have lived in an institution
have delayed development? Also, why did they label her this? There is no aanswer to this second question on the medical report. With a medical issue, you know what it is and can make a plan on how to treat it. Most would think that her special need is really no issue at all. Why even second guess yourself? The questions start swirling in your head. Are there other development issues? What did they see that made them write this down? Everyone who is adopting knows that there are unknowns when it comes to reading a medical report of a child. Honestly, I thought after spending so much time waiting for this day that it would be an emotional joyful day. Instead, it was a week of the reality of what we were doing. We had to face the unknowns and all the real life scenarios that we might face with this child. We had to go back to what we had decided from the very beginning about what we would look for when we were matched. We knew we were looking for a minor correctable physical issue. We also knew that there will be unknowns, so we had to be comfortable with what was on her report and then just trust God with what we didn't know. There was less info than we wanted on her report, but there was nothing on it that we could say no to. So Friday we sent our LOI!! So many people share on their blog that they knew the minute they saw the childs picture that this was the one. I truly believe that now, but for me it was a process. The reality is, I am still scared. So many people say that the wait is harder after you receive the referral. I am only a few days into this next phase, but I can tell you that for me it is just different. It is wonderful to finally be on my way to the otherside of this mountain, but it is different than I thought it would be. Now I have new fears I have to face. Each morning I wake up with these fears and it takes part of the day to work through them. Each day the knots in the stomach go away alittle earlier than the last. By the end of the day, I just see the face of a little girl that needs me and as many in the Chinese adoption world say, "I am over the moon!"
(I wrote the above post a few days ago. I just got updated photos and updated info! There is no doubt in our minds that this is our daughter! I shared my honest real emotions because I had never read anyone sharing this prospective and hoped that others who started out feeling this way would be encouraged that these are normal real emotions. I wonder why we doubted now! She is our daughter!)

We never thought this would happen.....

We have some very exciting non-adoption news. I have hinted about this in past posts, but it is now official. We will be visiting Nepal at the end of September!!!
Two years ago when we were in the process of adopting from Nepal we went to the Curry House in Chicago. Our waitress was from Nepal. We exchanged e-mail addresses and have visited each other often during the last two years. After several monthes of knowing us, she started calling us her American Mom and Dad. Here is a blog post about her and her husband when we visited Chicago back in May. They are going back to Nepal to be married and we have been invited to stay with her family and attend the wedding. Since we are not matched with our daughter from China yet and we will not be traveling to bring her home this year we felt that we just couldn't say no. A year ago I didn't think that I could visist Nepal knowing we would not be bringing our daughter home with us. We fell in love with Nepal and want to go and meet the people that we became connected to in this country. We hope to be able to visit an orphange that we got connected to while we waited. They were not apart of the children that were being adopted internationally. We also have connections with an organization that rescues girls at the border of Nepal and India from being sold into sex slavery. Most importantly we get to meet the parents and family of a wonderful girl that calls us Mom and Dad. We will be able to learn so much about her culture and be a part of her wedding. She is honoring us with such a priceless gift. We are so blessed to have met her and her husband. It was so painful when our adoption failed last year, but had we not been down this path, we would have never met her. She is our daughter and someday we may have Nepali grandchildren.
I know there will be times it will be difficult on this trip. It will be heart breaking to see the injustice of the situations in Nepal, but again as I have said before, I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to avoid it because it will cause me pain. This journey has taken on a life of its own. I feel like we have to see it through to the end and see where it leads. It amazes me the people I have met and the things I have learned. I would have not chosen this path for myself, but I would not trade it either.

Starting School

What a week it has been. I don't spend much time talking about my kids, so I thought since I have nothing new to say about adoption and the wait continues on, let me share about each of my kids.

My oldest, Joshua, dressed up for an 80's night as "Shaggy" (I tried to tell him that it more like the 70's, but he didn't care.) He had such a good time with it that he is telling people his nickname is Shaggy. He started his senior year. He is part time homeschooled and part time at a career center at an area high school for advertising design. He loves it! It was a great first week at school. I really look forward to where this will lead him in the future. He wants to go to college for graphic design. The career center will help him get certified in photo shop and he will have some college credit at the end of the year also. Just can't put into words the emotions of this week. But it makes me happy!

Nathan, my second oldest, is on the far left.(Josh is at the far right and my third son Jeremy is next to him) This is a picture of them on the bus to a youth conference. Nathan started 9th grade this year. He is taking 2 classes at the high school, one homeschool class; biology, that meets once a week and the rest of his classes are at home. He is loving the classes at the high school. One is a drawing class. (I have shown some of both Josh and Nathan's art work in past blogs.) He will be playing basketball this year. I can not believe I have two high schoolers!

Jeremy is in 8th grade. (I have 3 teenagers!) Last year he went to state competion with chess. He got 13th out of about 65 players in his age group. He has just started Boy Scouts this year. This has been a good thing for him. He is just not a organized sports team player. Nice to find something that fits him. He has had some learning struggles and we are really working on some of them, especially writing. He is such a hard worker and very determined to get his work done quickly. He is the first one up everyday and gets right to his assignments as soon as he eats breakfast. Makes my job so much easier. He is a man of few words. When he does talk, he gets my full attention because who knows when he will share again. He has a wonderful smile!

Daniel is on the left. We got TP one day and Daniel and his friend had fun stuffing it up their shirts. Daniel is in 4th grade. He is my very active and very talkative child. His life revolves around swords, swords, and paper(or any other kind) airplanes and all the sound effects that go with it. He also has become very good at swimming. We found a neighbor who invited us to come over anytime and use their pool. I begs me everyday if we can go. He is turning into a fish and I am wondering if I should look for a swim team for him. He is my stubborn child, which makes teaching him very interesting. After a nice talk from Dad we have been having better days, but somehow at the beginning he thought I was just asking too much of him. Funny how the threat of not getting to spend time with friends makes school not so hard after all. By the end of the day, I just want to find a room and enjoy the silence. I love him. Life is never boring!
I love my boys. There is something very special about being a mom of all boys. So why do I continue on this journey of adoption? I guess because I don't want any regrets. I really desire to have a daughter. My daughter is out there and I will continue to fight for her.
OK, I was trying to forget about it, but I do have something about adoption to share. I thought a new list of children would be released Monday, but rumor has it that it will be another week still. It is only a week, but when I thought we could be matched with our daughter in a few days, a week just sounds too long. Every month for at least this whole year China has released the new list of childern on the 4th Monday. I just assumed that it would happen this month as well and I have been counting down the days. Why do I keep assuming that things will continue the same when nothing in the adoption world stays the same for very long. When will I learn? Why does this journey reduce me to wanting to act like a child? I wanted to throw my phone across the room when I got the message, stick out my tongue and have a tantrum screaming "that's just not fair!"
So we wait another week. Really does this journey have an end? I have spent so long on this side of it that I can't even imagine myself anymore on the other side.

August 6, 2010

It hard to believe that it has been a year since I received a call that shattered my dreams. Things were starting to look so good for adopting from Nepal. I still can remember what time of day it was and what I was doing. It was early afternoon and I was just getting ready to log on the computer and see if there was any new news about Nepal. My cell phone rang and I heard the ringtone of my adoption agency. They were suppose to call that day, but not until later in the afternoon. That should have been my first clue that something was wrong. I answered and immediately knew something was wrong when my caseworker sighed before she started talking. I remember sitting down in the chair just in shock when I heard the news that our government had suspended adoptions from Nepal. Just the week before they said they were happy with the progress that Nepal government was making and then out of nowhere came this. I remember sitting there with tears streaming down my face not saying anything as my caseworker talked on and on. My husband was home and saw I was crying and continued to work in the garage with the door open just watching and waiting for me to tell him what was going on. I remember us just sitting in the living room together just in shock. Our minds just couldn't comprehend what we had just heard. The kids were not around and I do not remember why now. I remember just walking around going through the motions, but not feeling like I was really there.
Children of Nepal, I will not forget you!!
Please read an article that puts words to what I have always wanted to say when someone asks me why we can't adopt from Nepal. This is why international adoption is in a crisis and countries close and you will continue to see countries close to adoption. Please read!!

I will not forget the children that are being left behind because of politics. They are the innocent that are being punished.

Fingerprinting again

You know if it was the fun toddler kind of fingerpainting, I wouldn't mind doing it again. Just got an e-mail that our homestudy will expire in September and it is time to begin the work of renewing it again. Didn't I just do this? Back to Bashor Home we go again to be fingerprinted for the state of Indiana. Seriously can't they communicate with the federal goverment? I am good with them until sometime in the summer of 2012. Let the paperwork begin again!

Tomorrow my 3 teenage boys leave for a week long conference near Pittsburg, PA. I will only have my youngest son with me. It will be fun to give him much more of my attention than I usually do. But I am really going to miss my boys. So many emotions going on right now. The whole day was spent getting them packed ready to leave. (Oh, did I say I'm going to miss them) Yet the back of my mind I want to hear the phone ring. Yet I also want to be present and enjoy every moment with my youngest. It should be an interesting week.

Waiting

The phone rarely leaves my side. Why won't it ring?!
Well while I am waiting I thought I would ask for help from all you families that are in the China program. You see after learning so much about Nepal, I have done the opposite when it comes to joining the China program. I am not on any forums and it has only been the last few months that I have been reading others blogs that are with the China program. As I read other China blogs I have seen references to the lady bug, red thread, 100 wishes quilt, and a phrase "over the moon" What do they all mean and where did this tradition start? What traditions (even things that I have not mentioned that I don't know about yet) have you kept when it comes to what people do when they adopt from China and what things have you not worried about. I see myself being very nontraditional, yet I could surprise myself.
I do look forward to learning about China and I plan on embracing it as much as I did Nepal, but this has not been an easy thing for me to do. We could finally get the call and see a picture of our daughter tomorrow, but there is another part of me that still feels like it could all fall apart or that my phone will never ring.
Look forward to hearing your replies!

Where's Waldo

I can't post on your blog! (you know who you are)It has been driving me crazy for awhile now. Please send me a way to contact you!! I won't publish the info you give me. My heart is hurting for you.

Thoughts

Several blog post ago I shared some art work of my oldest son. So now it is time to share some art work from my second oldest.

My two oldest sons couldn't be more opposite, yet they share some artistic talent. My oldest struggles with detail, yet when it comes to being able to be creative he is very detailed. Having an outlet for his creativity has helped him handle the more detailed classes. My second oldest is very detailed yet can struggle with being creative and the art class he was involved in last year really helped him to branch out. My two oldest, it seemed for the longest time hated each other. We had the 1st and 3rd room together and the 2nd and 4th share a room. A few years ago my husband felt it was time for the two oldest to share a room together and start having some indepence from the younger two. I wasn't too sure how that would go. I thought they might kill each other, but it has been the best thing. They actually like each other now.
I homeschool all my boys, but I am so thankful that I live in a school system that allows them to take a few classes. It is not so much that I want to shield my boys from public school. I have nothing against the public schools. My boys learn differently. They would have been so discouraged in the public school. We have been able to teach the way that makes sense to them. My oldest will be involved in a college career center at the high school next year and my second child is taking a drawing and spanish I class. It will mean driving time for me unless we decide to buy a car for the oldest, but we can't even consider that yet until the adoption happens.
This week has been very hard emotionally. There is so much bad news in the adoption world. It is just so overwhelming. Ukraine government is shutting the adoptions down starting July 11th. Ethoipia is going at a snails pace and families are waiting so long for referrals and such a long time for court dates. Families in Vietnam received referrals in 2008 and since the country closed down they have yet to bring home their children. 65 families have been waiting since 2009 to bring their children home from Kyrgyzstan. Philippines have had over 2 years wait for referrals. Rwanda is trying to meet the Hague standards, but in the process the families that are ready for a referrals are possiblely going to suffer. They have six months to receive a referral or their file will be closed. Seriously?! It is more than I want to even know. And yes, we still wait for a referral. Sometimes I just want to go and hide my head in the sand. Maybe I can pretend I don't know all this, but there is no way I can do that. I want to give up at times. I feel like there is no one to turn to. Our government is clearly looking the other way. Why must the innocent children suffer? I can't give up. I don't know how I can help, but I will not forget what is going on around the country. There are so many times in history that the unthinkable is happening and after years of struggle freedom is found. I can not give up the fight for the orphans and especially for my daughter. Please know that everyone of you that I have touched on in my references to struggles in the adoption world are in my prayers. You are not forgotten. We will keep moving forward. We have to. Our children our depending on us.

Sunburst!!!

Today our whole family ran in the Sunburst in South Bend, IN. The finsh line is inside the football stadium! Obviously Norte Dame football is big around here and it is a very cool thing to do this. It is the first time I have been in the stadium. My husband ran the 10K. My 4 boys and I ran in the 5K. It was my youngest son's first time to attempt a 5K. I ran with him the whole way and he did awesome! I am so proud of him. He didn't stop once!
I have not been a runner for very long. I started it around the same time that we started our adoption journey. Let me tell you I do not like to get on the treadmill. I had a friend who accidently called it the dreadmill, slip of the tongue? :) Most of the time my body is telling me to stop and not go on. When you run, you sometimes want to give up. Just like there are many times on this adoption journey I have wanted to give up. There is something about running that helps me put things in my life into prospective. When I am very discouraged I jump on my treadmill and problems don't seem as big when I get done. Running is such a mind game. When I win the mind game in running, I also have the added benifit of winning the battle emotionally and spiritually as well.
It was such a rush to do this with my family. I know it doesn't seem like a fun thing to do, but I have not felt such joy and contentment as I do right now in a very long time. Life is good! I have so much to be thankful for. Hmmm! When is the next race in our area?!:)

Disappointments

It has taken me awhile to write this post, partly because of issues with Google, blogspot or blogger. I really don't know who is to blame. All I can say is that it ticked me off, but it has given a chance for emotions to calm down and after many days of putting it off, I am now ready to reflect on last week. I have been pondering how much to share. How real should I be? I am a pretty open person. I think part of it is therapy for me and also know that many of you are facing or have faced some of the same things and can relate.
We were able to be a part of the group of children that were released last month to be matched with families. Our phone did ring and our agency said they had a girl for us to consider. I was guarded from the beginning. I could tell from her voice that when they made the match they weren't sure if this was a good fit for us. She gave me the info on the little girl and asked if we wanted to look at her file and consider her. There were two special needs. One was one that we had checked on our list the other was not. We have chosen minor needs on all the issues we have checked on our list. The agency was not sure if the issue was minor or a major. The other issue had many unknowns. Do we look at the file and fall in love with the picture and possible have to say no or do we just say no we don't want to look at it because of all the unknowns? I just couldn't say no. What if the issues did turn out to be minor and we never checked into them? So we got her file and started researching and sent the info to a doctor to evaluate. Our research found that both issues were minor and we started to open our hearts to this little girl. But when we got the medical review we again were concerned. She brought up issues that we did not see ourselves and things were turning into more developmental issues than physical medical issues. It is so hard to make the decision to say no to a beautiful child that needs a family, but I know my limitations and my family dynamics. I could not meet the needs she has and there is a family out there who can. For many days I had been preparing for a joyous celebration. Instead I was tearfully making the call to our agency that we need to say no to this little girl. So many emotions went on those few days. Feelings of being a coward, why we had to get a referral that we would have to say no to, and will I ever be comfortable enough to say yes. Fear and failure. Not fun words. You see many adoption blogs that take on these children and children with greater needs than this. Shouldn't I have the courage to move forward? Am I really going to be able to handle the hard issues of adoption? Adoption is not for the faint of heart. We made the best choice for our family. We just have to move forward now. I need to stay strong. Our daughter needs us.
It has been three and half years since we said yes we want to adopt. We thought it would be chose a country find an agency and we would be united with our daughter. It has been a journey I never could have imagined. My heart has been broken so many times. My faith has been shaken. What do you do when the God you thought you knew is turning into something so different. So many people want to give you encouraging words. They use certain phrases. We all have heard them. I have decided that if a person has not faced certain crisis in their life and not had to put into practice themselves the words they are saying, then they have no business saying them to you. I believed, before all the heart aches, the phrases people say. I said them myself. No matter if there is truth in what they say or not, life does not fit into nice little packages. I really wrestled through some issues. There is not space nor do most of you want to hear all that has gone through my mind. I will just say that it may look a little different now, but my faith is strong. I look at those phrases people say differently now. Do people really listen to themselves? Do people know if what they are saying is from the bible or is it just a nice sounding phrase they heard and started believing without really looking into the truth of it or not. I am more careful what I say now. Frankly, when it comes to crisis situations, it is better to say nothing at all. Life does not have simple answers.
One more disappointment to share...I will not go into detail, but another mistake has been made that I did not do that could delay us getting a referral. We could still get a referral at anytime, but because of this issue it may be late July before we get matched. Frankly, I did not cry or get extremely angry. It is getting comical in a way.(insert sarcasm) My 9 year old son woke up yesterday morning and the first thing he said to me was, "So did we get more bad news about adoption?" Wow! What do you say to that.

LID!!!!!!

I am in shock!!!! Our agency said that it could take 4-6 weeks to get a log in date from China. Our log in date is 5/18/11!!!!!! Today!! China contacted our agency the day they logged us in!!! Now we can be considered for the May group of referrals!!!!

Lucky 13

This is something a friend gave me in July 2010. We had just found out that we were logged in with Nepal and we were number 13. I think that was the day I dropped my guard and really allowed myself to start believing that we were really adopting from Nepal. When things fell apart with Nepal, I wanted to throw this away, but I hid it away with the other paperwork for Nepal.
When I started to realize that we might be DTC on May 13th, I remembered this card. I haven't looked at this since everything with Nepal fell apart. How amazing that today I can pull it back out again! It was so special when I first got it. It felt so good to have someone acknowledge that there was alittle girl out there waiting for me. Thanks Tonya! This card is still apart of this journey. It is time to celebrate!!!

It's Done!!!

I just finished mounting my photos and copying my passport pages. I used some of the same photos that I sent to Nepal, but I couldn't use the ones that had our dog in the picture or the ones where we didn't have shoes on in the house. Crazy! I am not going to try to figure it out. I just took some more pictures today. I have checked every document off the list. I have everything!!
Yesterday I went back to Chicago to pick up my authenticated documents. Seriously! Alot of money for a sticker on the back of each document. I showed someone my expensive sticker and they said that they always thought their creative memories stickers were expensive. So next time you go to purchase your scrapbooking stickers, you cant tell yourself that it is way cheaper than authentication stickers. So buy them without guilt. :)
Here is a picture of my husband and I after I had the documents safely back in my hands.

After the mess up when I went to get the documents certified I got a little nervous that there would be a problem with the authentication. What a relief to see everything complete. It was much busier than last week. The line for the pick up window was the longest I had seen it. I was afraid we wouldn't get to the window before they closed for lunch, but we were out of the building by 11:50. I was so thankful, but sad because it would have been perfect timing to meet up with a blog friend for the first time, but she was very sick and not able to meet me. There was nothing she could do about it. I really wanted to celebrate with her. I knew she would completely understand what I was feeling. Hopefully later this summer we can meet. Hope you are feeling better my fellow blogger.

We walked abound Chicago until dinner time when we were able to connect with two very special people. I may not have been able to adopt a little girl from Nepal, but I do have an adopted daughter and son-in-law. Soney and Shankar took us out to eat at the Curry House where we first met Soney almost two years ago. We had a wonderful time! Here are some pictures of us.

So now I will FedEx it tomorrow to my agency and wait. I will stop saying when I will be DTC. I am nervous that I will need to do something else before it can be mailed to China. But I will celebrate this next step. I am surprised that someone hasn't made up letters for the letter game when your dossier is mailed to agency. (maybe there is and I don't know about it) So tomorrow will I be MTA? :)

Chicago

Success!! Besides the several hours of waiting, the day went well. Had a wonderful day with my friend in Chicago going in and out of stores and ending our day eating at the Curry House! Yum! Yum! We went there for the first time 2 years ago after we had started the process to adopt from Nepal. I have not lost my love for Curry, nor my love for the people of Nepal. I so loved being at the Curry House. So many memories of that first day there and the Nepal friends that we have from making a contact with a wonderful waitress. She is very special to us. I look forward to hopefully seeing her when we go to pick up our documents on May 3rd.
Now to catch up on everything around the house since I was gone for 3 days with all my trips to the big cities!

Indy

Certification done! Traveling to Chicago Monday!! I like this saying. I swing between these two emotions so much right now. I just need to continue to adjust my attitude!

Adoption World

Ever wonder why there isn't a wii game called Adoption World? No one would buy it! Oh wait, I guess all of us on an adoption journey did. The makers would have had so much fun making it. I can see them all sitting around laughing as they created the game, saying, "Oh wait, here is a good one...Ha ha, sorry they missed placed your paper work, go back to the waiting room." Then someone else would say, "No wait, here's a better one...Your notary screwed up your paper work. You lose all you saved in this level. Go back to level 4 and get paper worked fixed." Another (very sick person) would say, "I've got it! You're going to love this one. Sorry the government closed your country. You lose all the levels you saved. Go back to the beginning of the game."(This really isn't funny, but that is the sick game I feel like I have been in) The second guys comment messed up my world today! Yes, two different notaries that signed my paper work screwed up! I drove 3 hours to Indy and three hours home. Tomorrow, I have to go back to two places and have them redo the paperwork! Then go back to Indy to try again! Isn't that special?! One completely forgot to sign the document! Why I didn't see it, I don't know. There was a signiture, but that was the person who prepared the document. I thought the person who filled out the form also did their own notary and didn't check to see if the names matched. I know all of you who are in process are going to check your paper work now. The other one, her stamp used only her first and last name. She sign her first and last name, but when the secretary of State office looked her up on the computer she had her middle name on the form. Therefore her signature was not valid becasue she didn't sign her middle name. The stamp didn't have her middle name. Seriously! When I looked at the paper work more closely I realized that she also had whited something out! You can't do that on adoption paper work, so it would not have worked anyway, so in a way I was spared future damage.
Breathe!!!!! (That is what my blog friend just told me to do. Thanks!)
So why don't I just use a courier to do the work for me? I guess I just don't want to have to wait on anyone anymore. If I had mailed these documents I would have waited a couple of weeks to get them back and then I would have had to corrected them and mailed them again, waited 2 more weeks. I just can't do it. I am close enough to each city, I will just do it myself. I am very stuborn. I was still going to try to make everything work so I could be DTC on April 29. I so had things planned out, but it is not to be. I will go to Chicago on Monday and then the following week go back and pick it up and hopefully be DTC by May 6th. That is only a week later. I have just had in my head that I would get everything done by the end of April. It's ok. It will be better weather in Chicago on Monday, right? Right!! :) I will enjoy this journey! I refuse to let it get the best of me. It is not just a game with random events happening. The things I have learned and the people I have met along the way I wouldn't trade for anything.

It's Here!!!!

Ok, what a complainer I am! We were fingerprinted on March 18. I went to get the mail today (April 18th) and there it was! I-797!! Exactly a month!! Really, I know that this is wonderful timing for the government. What a whiner I am!
Now the hard work happens,(We have had the waiting now comes the hurry up part again) because as you can tell from my impatients, I will not sit still when I can do it myself. As long as we can get everything notarized tommorrow morning, I am off to Indy tomorrow to get my documents certified. Then Weds. I am riding the Lake Shore to Chicago and going to the Chinese Consulate to have everything authenticated. Then I will have to go home and wait 4 business days and go back to Chicago to pick the documents up. Well at least I get to spend two days in Chicago. I think I can find somethings to do the two days I travel there.
If all goes as planned, then we can finally be DTC April 29th!

Sigh.....

Tomorrow is one month since our fingerprint appointment. Our I-797 is not here yet. Last time we got our form in less than a month after we got our fingerprints done, so I am disappointed. I know that this is normal to wait this long or longer, but we are so close! I have been waiting to post anything new until I had something new to post. Sigh...

So I will show off some of my sons creativity. My oldest son takes a computer graphics class and has decided that this is what he wants to major in when he goes to college. This first one is a collage of traffic signs he put together. The second picture is is not lines, but made by typing letters.

Well, I wanted to post some pictures drawn by my next oldest son, but it won't let me, so I will try another time.

This adoption journey has driven my to Sudoku!

Let me just explain to you. I do not like strategy games!! I don't even like card games that require thinking. It drives me nuts how people can keep track of what cards have been played and what cards are still out there that can be played. It ruins some great talking time with friends. :) I play these games to be polite. Sometimes I even play a hand well.:) I feel I have to apologize to my partner before we start a new round if I don't know them very well. I like to read books. A great day on a cold wintery day is a cup of coffee, soft blanket and a wonderful book! Obviously that is not possible very often anymore. Quite frankly there are times now that I just don't want to read. I can't focus or the book just seems so trivial or the ones about adoption seem pointless when I really don't have confidence we will ever adopt.
I have two boys that love strategy games. They have been in chess clubs and played in tournaments. If we get together with friends as families and play card games, my one son has done better than some of the adults. He also likes Sudoku. For Christmas in 2009 he was given one of those desk calendars that has a Sudoku to do each day. Saturday and Sunday were always very easy, Monday and Tuesday were always easy, Wednesday and Thursday were always Medium level and Friday was hard level. My son wanted me to try one so like a good mother I sat down and let him show me a few tricks that might help me. Of course we started with the very easy. After a few lessons I was able to do it. I was thrilled! So I decided to try an easy one. With more help from my son, I could do this one too. I tried a medium, but that was too much. I kept doing them. I found myself looking forward to them. My son was nice enough to let me do the easy ones from his calendar. One day I started questioning my sanity. Why was I enjoying Sudoku?! But I realized something. When I was doing Sudoku the only thing I thought about was numbers. If the nine is here, here and here, then a nine must go here too! I wasn't thinking about the adoption. :) For the last three years my head has been full of many issues. The highlights are: What country should we adopt from? How much longer until Jan. 1, 2010? When will the Maoist stop their force strike? Well, maybe April 15th the Nepal government will take our dossier. Will the Prime Minister resign and then we will have to wait for a new Prime Minister to be appointed to see anyone's paper work start being processed again? When will my paper work officially be accepted by the government? When will the wait to be officially waiting, start? Will we have to renew our homestudy that will expire on Sept. 15, 2010? When will my I-797 come? If we get the paper work we need on this date then maybe by this date we can be DTC. Ugh!
I very rarely enjoy a good book anymore. It seems so hard to start such a long book. I know that I could be reading books to prepare for adoption, but why read them if adoption is never going to happen. I just struggle to focus on something that takes a long time to do. I feel restless at times. I know that I have more work to do on paper work, but what do you do when you have to wait on other people? But a Sudoku can be done over a short period of time. It keeps my hands busy when there is no paper work to do and I am just waiting. I can enter the world of numbers and stop the maddening questions and unknown circumstances happening around me. Guess what? I even can do Medium level now. Yesterday I did my very first hard level. Ahhhh!!! What is happening to me? I need to be DTC soon. Maybe that will stop this madness.

My Blog Friends

I have thought about this post for awhile. I have been concerned with how I might come across to people. But I decided that since my focus is on failed adoptions, most of my audience will understand.
Most of the blogs I follow are families that have experienced failed adoptions. (Not all. I have several that have brought their children home and they give valuable info of what to expect.) I go to my blog friends and read words that bring comfort because I usually can relate to their posts. Sometimes it is such a relief to know I am not alone in what I am feeling or how I am acting. I check almost everyday to see how their journey is going. I am so thankful for each one of my blog friends. I feel a connection even though I have never met them. I have wonderful local friends who have been a great support to me. I need these people in my life and I am so thankful for them, but they don't understand they way my blog friends do. The blogs I follow, we all come from different backgrounds, are families that have gone through similar things, but I can not claim to understand all they have gone through. I will never know some of the pain that they have experienced, but one thing we have in common. We all have a child that was born in our hearts years ago. There is an ache in our heart that will not heal until we are united with this child. Let me explain. My life is rich and full and I want to enjoy life to the fullest. I have joy and peace, yet there is a pain there that I can not explain. It is not there all the time and the further away I get from the failed adoption the less the ache. Sometimes out of the blue though it is like a sucker punch in my stomach.
There is really no guarantee that we will ever get to this child. I know of families that after Nepal closed they could not financially change countries. I pray that they are finding healing, but will the ache completely go away? I know that this will be it for us if this 2nd adoption would fail. You see we can't afford to wait years for an adoption to work and I am not talking about just the financial aspect. We have 4 boys ages 17, 14, 13 and 9 that anxiously await a little sister. At the same time we can't continue to put our life on hold for much longer. We hold vacation time so we can travel to adopt. This is the last year we can do this. As hard as it is for me to believe, my boys will all be moving on in their own life soon. We need to build more family memories. I pray it will be with our little girl, but if not, we must go on. We hold off on braces for two of them until our paper work is final so we don't mess up our financial status. We have an empty room that I need to know what to do with. We had just moved boys to a new room in the basement one week before Nepal closed. Right now their old room is just collecting stuff. If it will not be a room for our daughter than I am sure we can put it to better use than a storage room. There are hard decisions that have to be made on this journey. I have read the hard decisions others have had to make and reading their words help ground me and put things into prospective.
Our family is now adopting from China, but right now I just don't feel like trying to connect with new China blogs that are in process. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if a family has only been in process or adopted from a country that is working "smoothly" (I say this a bit tongue and cheek) and following a working plan, I just don't feel a strong connection. I pray someday I will be enjoying the excitement of adoption, but right now I just can't bring myself to join a forum or read new blogs. I don't feel like I can explain this without sounding pathetic or offending someone. I hope someone can relate to this. Maybe someone can explain my emotions better than me.:) I will follow China blogs of those who were adopting from Nepal, so for now this is where I will get info that I need for the future.
If you have experienced a failed adoption or a very long wait with a lot of unknowns that is reading this and you don't have a blog I follow, what is your story? I would love to hear it.
To all my blog friends: thanks for being real and sharing your heart! You have touched mine deeply. I hope someday I will meet some of you. I know several of you have talked with me about getting together after we have been united with our child. I long for the day that I read on your blog that you have been referred a child and have brought them home. I want to celebrate with you even if I never get to my child.

What is it with the letters?

When we were involved with Nepal adoption program it had not developed a system of doing adoptions yet. We had 3 simple things that we hoped for. We waited for our number to tell us where we were in the order of submitting our dossier, (which really didn't matter because they gave referrals in whatever order they wanted to) for our referral and then travel approval. We never got past step one. We were number 13 for 2010. We were so excited. I had a friend give me a card with a picture of a very excited lady with the number 13 all around her. I think that is when I dropped my guard and started really believing that I was adopting from Nepal. Then it came to a crashing halt.
When I started with the China program I started to see all these letters. DTC, PA, LOA, LOI, LID, etc. I now know what they mean the the order they are suppose to come in. I hope that I can check each one off as we go along. The crisis in Ethiopia is a reminder that you just don't know what might happen next on this journey. I am seeing people in the China program going through these letters, but from someone who knows that anything could happen along the way, I still have my guard up. I let my gurad down before. I want to believe that this system of the China program is working, but it is scary. All I really care about is that TA! But I will play this game. (that is sure what it feels like)

I was very excited to hear that friend of mine who has family adopting from Ethiopia just received their court date. It is March 19th! Praise God! It is so good to hear that there is some movement. I pray each day for Ethiopia. I think too often we can get in our own little world when it comes to adoption. We can not ignore what is happening in other countries. We just can't do that. It could be our country that is affected next.
Friday we go for our fingerprints for the 2nd time. This week I want to get our local back ground checks done for the 3rd time. I also need to get a letter from employers for the 2nd time. I will keep plugging away on my list and hopefully mid April I will be taking two road trips. One to Indy to get our certifications done and then on to Chicago to get everything authenticated. Then I can start the game with the wonderful letters.

Both Ends Burning

A New System of International Adoption from Both Ends Burning on Vimeo.

If you have wondered just what this group is all about and if you should support them, here is a video you have to watch! 

Why?!

I read a very disturbing article. Why is this happening? It makes me sick, angry and overwhelmed. You see blogs that advocate for the children in China that are aging out of the system or have special needs. I want to advocate for the children that are sitting in orphanages who either are having to wait years to be adopted or will never have a chance to be adopted because of the continued trend of closing countries or slowing things down so that "corruption" can be investigated. Who is to blame? That is a very complicated question. There are people that feel that this trend is a good thing. I posted on this several days ago. So those of you that want to try and educate me on the damage that international adoption is to these children, please don't waste your time. I understand your concerns and I want to see the children protected. I think you will agree with this statement. International adoption system as it is functioning right now is broken. There is an organization that is working to change the laws of international adoption. Please check them out. I plan on devoting another blog post with some research information.
I will leave you with these questions. Why is it that a child in Guatemala has waited 3 years to be united with his forever family and there is no end in sight? Why is it that families involved in the Philippians have to wait over 2 years for a referral? Why do families have to spend thousands of dollars on lawyer fees to try and prove that a child is a "legal" orphan? Why is it that a family just went through a failed adoption with Nepal and now is faced with the problems of Ethiopia that will slow it down or close adoptions from this country? This family is a part of the Ethiopia program and they need your help.
Most of the blogs I follow either have faced failed adoption or extreme waiting for their child to be referred to them or both. It breaks my heart. People who support what is happening in the adoption world think that it is a good thing for the children. How could spending the first 14 years of your life in an institution and then being kicked out on your own to face the world alone be a good thing for them? I want to make a difference in the life of one child, but I also want to raise awareness for the children left behind in this crisis.

7 Months ago...

It has been 7 months now since I received the call from my case worker informing me that adoptions from Nepal were suspended. I still remember sitting down in the nearest chair in shock. My husband was home and was working in the garage and he saw me crying and left the door open so he could see in. He kept working, but knew that it was not good the news I was getting. I remember just sitting in the living room together after the phone call, just numb asking so many "why" questions. We needed to go to the store to buy a wedding present and we walked around the store so apathetic. We had lost a lot of money and had been so carefully saving for the last half of the adoption costs. We just wondered what was the point of saving anymore. We thought, "let's just make a big purchase." Saving didn't matter anymore, right? We only walked out with a cd each. Why I even brought it I didn't know. Music is a big part of my life and that day it just died and I didn't listen to my regular music for a month. That cd I bought was completely different than what I usually listen to. I really didn't care about it and it was days later until I listened to it. It became all I listened to. It had a song that put words to my grief. I listened to it over and over again. I thank God for bringing this song to me when He knew I needed it, when all other music died in my heart.



Today I went out and got the newspaper and realized I didn't get Saturday's mail. How wonderful to find what I found in that mail box on a day that brings back memories of the pain. Getting this piece of mail is pushing me to look to the future. The pain of the past will be there and it is a part of this journey, but this journey is not over. Thanks God for the reminder. I just mailed on Feb. 18th our I-800a form. Today's piece of mail was from USCIS and it had our fingerprint appointment! I have been praying that it would at least be scheduled before the end of the month. Our appointment is for March 18th!! If you know anything about the adoption world, then you understand that this is huge. Nothing moves very quick with government agencies, but this did.

When you experience a failed adoption you look at things alittle differently than you did the first time around. You don't know whether you can trust the process to really work. You don't want to get your hopes up to have your heart broken again. You feel you have to guard your heart. You see things are working right now, but you know from past experience that tomorrow could bring bad news that you never expected. Every little thing going right gives your emotions a boost in the right direction. So I will enjoy today even though when I woke up this morning my heart was heavy and even though tomorrow could bring bad news. My heart is a little lighter right now. I will choose to enjoy this moment.

Somewhere

I recently went to a Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant concert. When I heard this song I thought of our journey to our daughter and the many families that I know who are waiting for their child. When I heard the first verse, I thought of all the families that have gone and met their child and had to say goodbye for any number of reasons. Some have to go home and wait for the paper work to be finished and they don't know if it will be weeks or months until they hold their child again. Some leave, like the many Nepal families, wondering if the government will ever grant their request for a visa. It breaks my heart to think of the many families still waiting for their Nepalese children.
Some of us have experienced a failed adoption and we continue on this wait for our child. I love some of the phrases in this song, "I will find a way to find you, a heart that is waiting, it may take some time, I'll wait for you."
This is dedicated to all the families that are waiting to find their child and bring them home. The wait has been much longer than any of us expected, but may we find the courage to continue on.

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I am shocked by what I found on Adoptive Family Cirlce forum.  I am not shocked at the decline in the number of international adoptions.  I am very aware of this.  Continue reading what this author has to say about the decline. Here is the link to where I found this.  http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/forums/viewthread/351/
Here is what it said:
According to the Detroit News, international adoption fell 13 percent in 2010. The AP reports 2010’s total number of international adoptions came in at 11,059, down from 12,753 in 2009 and down more than 50 percent from the all-time high in 2004 of 22,884. One factor? A virtual standstill of adoptions from Guatemala, due to corruption issues, many news sources say. One blogger at Slate.com thinks this drop is a mixed blessing for the adoption community, a sign that:
... the United States government has increased its efforts to end baby- and child-trafficking in countries that send large numbers of children to the U.S. for adoption, and those increased efforts mean both fewer corrupt adoptions, and fewer adoptions overall ... Falling numbers and longer waiting times probably look bleak to parents hoping to adopt internationally, but every adoptive parent should welcome the changes that led to the drop—and, perversely, hope for even lower numbers in years to come.
What do you think about the news? If you’re considering adoption, has it made you think twice about international adoption? If you’re in the midst of an international adoption, how does it make you feel?

I will tell you what I think:  I am outraged that a person would say this: every adoptive parent should welcome the changes that led to the drop—and, perversely, hope for even lower numbers in years to come. Are you kidding me?  Who will take care of the orphans that are left behind?  I want to see ethical adoptions and laws to stop the corruption, but laws should protect the children not imprison them in a system that is broken.  Why should children  suffer the consequences for adults mistakes. In all other areas of social justice we condemn the abuser, for some reason when it comes to adoption we condemn the innocent children.  Being apart of a failed adoption makes this post even more disturbing.  I have felt the pain of the wait and the loss.  Stopping international adoption is not going to make the orphan problem go away.  The person who wrote this post ought to stop and consider if he would feel the same way if he was an orphan all alone with no one that cared about him.