7 Months ago...

It has been 7 months now since I received the call from my case worker informing me that adoptions from Nepal were suspended. I still remember sitting down in the nearest chair in shock. My husband was home and was working in the garage and he saw me crying and left the door open so he could see in. He kept working, but knew that it was not good the news I was getting. I remember just sitting in the living room together after the phone call, just numb asking so many "why" questions. We needed to go to the store to buy a wedding present and we walked around the store so apathetic. We had lost a lot of money and had been so carefully saving for the last half of the adoption costs. We just wondered what was the point of saving anymore. We thought, "let's just make a big purchase." Saving didn't matter anymore, right? We only walked out with a cd each. Why I even brought it I didn't know. Music is a big part of my life and that day it just died and I didn't listen to my regular music for a month. That cd I bought was completely different than what I usually listen to. I really didn't care about it and it was days later until I listened to it. It became all I listened to. It had a song that put words to my grief. I listened to it over and over again. I thank God for bringing this song to me when He knew I needed it, when all other music died in my heart.



Today I went out and got the newspaper and realized I didn't get Saturday's mail. How wonderful to find what I found in that mail box on a day that brings back memories of the pain. Getting this piece of mail is pushing me to look to the future. The pain of the past will be there and it is a part of this journey, but this journey is not over. Thanks God for the reminder. I just mailed on Feb. 18th our I-800a form. Today's piece of mail was from USCIS and it had our fingerprint appointment! I have been praying that it would at least be scheduled before the end of the month. Our appointment is for March 18th!! If you know anything about the adoption world, then you understand that this is huge. Nothing moves very quick with government agencies, but this did.

When you experience a failed adoption you look at things alittle differently than you did the first time around. You don't know whether you can trust the process to really work. You don't want to get your hopes up to have your heart broken again. You feel you have to guard your heart. You see things are working right now, but you know from past experience that tomorrow could bring bad news that you never expected. Every little thing going right gives your emotions a boost in the right direction. So I will enjoy today even though when I woke up this morning my heart was heavy and even though tomorrow could bring bad news. My heart is a little lighter right now. I will choose to enjoy this moment.