It has taken me awhile to write this post, partly because of issues with Google, blogspot or blogger. I really don't know who is to blame. All I can say is that it ticked me off, but it has given a chance for emotions to calm down and after many days of putting it off, I am now ready to reflect on last week. I have been pondering how much to share. How real should I be? I am a pretty open person. I think part of it is therapy for me and also know that many of you are facing or have faced some of the same things and can relate.
We were able to be a part of the group of children that were released last month to be matched with families. Our phone did ring and our agency said they had a girl for us to consider. I was guarded from the beginning. I could tell from her voice that when they made the match they weren't sure if this was a good fit for us. She gave me the info on the little girl and asked if we wanted to look at her file and consider her. There were two special needs. One was one that we had checked on our list the other was not. We have chosen minor needs on all the issues we have checked on our list. The agency was not sure if the issue was minor or a major. The other issue had many unknowns. Do we look at the file and fall in love with the picture and possible have to say no or do we just say no we don't want to look at it because of all the unknowns? I just couldn't say no. What if the issues did turn out to be minor and we never checked into them? So we got her file and started researching and sent the info to a doctor to evaluate. Our research found that both issues were minor and we started to open our hearts to this little girl. But when we got the medical review we again were concerned. She brought up issues that we did not see ourselves and things were turning into more developmental issues than physical medical issues. It is so hard to make the decision to say no to a beautiful child that needs a family, but I know my limitations and my family dynamics. I could not meet the needs she has and there is a family out there who can. For many days I had been preparing for a joyous celebration. Instead I was tearfully making the call to our agency that we need to say no to this little girl. So many emotions went on those few days. Feelings of being a coward, why we had to get a referral that we would have to say no to, and will I ever be comfortable enough to say yes. Fear and failure. Not fun words. You see many adoption blogs that take on these children and children with greater needs than this. Shouldn't I have the courage to move forward? Am I really going to be able to handle the hard issues of adoption? Adoption is not for the faint of heart. We made the best choice for our family. We just have to move forward now. I need to stay strong. Our daughter needs us.
It has been three and half years since we said yes we want to adopt. We thought it would be chose a country find an agency and we would be united with our daughter. It has been a journey I never could have imagined. My heart has been broken so many times. My faith has been shaken. What do you do when the God you thought you knew is turning into something so different. So many people want to give you encouraging words. They use certain phrases. We all have heard them. I have decided that if a person has not faced certain crisis in their life and not had to put into practice themselves the words they are saying, then they have no business saying them to you. I believed, before all the heart aches, the phrases people say. I said them myself. No matter if there is truth in what they say or not, life does not fit into nice little packages. I really wrestled through some issues. There is not space nor do most of you want to hear all that has gone through my mind. I will just say that it may look a little different now, but my faith is strong. I look at those phrases people say differently now. Do people really listen to themselves? Do people know if what they are saying is from the bible or is it just a nice sounding phrase they heard and started believing without really looking into the truth of it or not. I am more careful what I say now. Frankly, when it comes to crisis situations, it is better to say nothing at all. Life does not have simple answers.
One more disappointment to share...I will not go into detail, but another mistake has been made that I did not do that could delay us getting a referral. We could still get a referral at anytime, but because of this issue it may be late July before we get matched. Frankly, I did not cry or get extremely angry. It is getting comical in a way.(insert sarcasm) My 9 year old son woke up yesterday morning and the first thing he said to me was, "So did we get more bad news about adoption?" Wow! What do you say to that.
Breathe. It's OK. You can do this. Just remember that you are in a program exclusively of waiting children - one will be yours, and you do not need to say yes to all of them, and you do not need to say yes to special needs you are not comfortable with. You. Just. Don't. You have only been LID for a few weeks. Give it time. I want you to believe me when I tell you that one day a child may come along that will bend your belief of what you can accept with special needs - or maybe not. If that child comes, and you can't shake the feeling that THIS is your child and you would do ANYTHING for this child - then you know. I know this because this happened to me, and when I lost the children, I realized I was not so opposed to those conditions as I was before - and when I rewrote my preference sheet, I said yes where I said no before to certain things. Trust me when I tell you - YOUR HEART WILL KNOW. Just give it time.
ReplyDeleteI know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better and I am not a religious person so I find no comfort in the things people tell me like "everything happens for a reason" and "it is all in God's hands" but I can tell you I feel your pain and completely understand what you are going through. When we started down the road to adopt the first time we got a referral for a little girl with a lot of medical issues. The excitement of a referral quickly turned to panic. I tried desperately to convince myself that if we received the referral then she is meant to be with us no matter what. After a lot of discussion and tears we said no and as you know saying no to a child in need makes you question everything. How can life be so cruel and unfair? Am I a horrible person? Will she ever get adopted? What if I was her only chance? Should I even be a parent? and the list goes on and on. It hurts more than anyone can imagine but in the end you will have a wonderful little girl and there will be no question that she is meant to be part of your family.
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on my blog. As much as I hate to hear anyone else going through this, it does bring comfort to know that someone else out there might understand. Pretty much everyone else in our close extended family has given up and does not understand why we keep going. This four years has been so, so difficult. We were with Taiwan and stopped after 2.5 years because we were wit a bad agency. I spent a few months investigating China special needs and watching the sad play-out of Nepal (so sorry)... having our applications ready to go, then chose to go with Ethiopia. We do feel good about our choice, despite the delays. Sometimes I have also felt like what has happened to us is "a sign" that we are not meant to adopt, but again, hearing what other people going through similar situations wtht delays, just tells me that adoptions is taking many new twists and turns, and we all have just made choices along the road that has led to dead ends, but when we have our children in our arms, we will look back and think that maybe this was the (bumpy) course we had to endure to get to the child meant for us. I don't know, but these thought are all I really have to hold on to right now. Best of luck to you and I will now be a follower of you, too. :)