We are free!

We have her passport and visa and we are free to leave China! We leave in the morning to ride a train to Hong Kong. We leave Friday morning on a jet plane back to the wonderful USA!!! It is bittersweet leaving. I can not wait to get home, but we are leaving our new friends in our adoption group and we are leaving Renee's birthplace.
Yesterday Renee had very short meltdowns and really did very well. Today was amazing! No meltdowns(some stubbornness and wanting her way. normal 2 year old)! She was so sweet and really could tell she is feeling more comfortable with us. Tomorrow we change everything all over again. She will be in big crowds and she really doesn't seem to like this. So who knows what the next two days hold, but I have today to remember.
Today we went up the mountains, well it was probably more like the hills, but they call it the mountains. It was beautiful(sorry no pictures tonight. we didn't download them. We spent the afternoon repacking) I am missing spring in Indiana, but I have spring in China and it is lovely! :) (wrote that for you Nancy C.) I think Renee really enjoyed the freedom to run and explore without crowds of people. She liked the fresh air.
Thank you so much for your prayers! Truly your support made a huge difference. God has been so gracious on this trip. We asked, you prayed, and God answered. Sometimes He says no,(He is God and He knows what He is doing even in the trials) but I can't imagine the trip going any better than it did.
Four years ago we started down the road to adopt. In 2008 we were looking into China special needs program. But I clearly heard God say to me in church one Sunday morning, "Do you trust me? Even if it means a delay in getting to your daughter, do you trust me?" I knew what he was asking. I was focused on what was the fastest way to get to our daughter. My focus was on the wrong thing. We had said yes and were ready to walk through the doors of this journey, but God wanted us to trust Him to lead us the direction He wanted us to go. So through tears by the end of the sermon, I told God I trusted Him. This journey has taught me so much. I will never completely understand the twists and turns. But God has shown himself very clearly. He asked me to trust Him on Mar. 30, 2008. Our daughter will land on US soil and become a US citizen on Mar. 30, 2012! Four years to the very day! Can God be trusted? Oh yes! He is so good!

We will be home in 4 more days!

Tonight is the 9th night I have put our daughter to bed. The first two nights were easy. The last few nights, not so much. But tonight she finally fell asleep laying on top of me. Such a wonderful feeling having a little one fall asleep on me again!
It has only been alittle over a week since we first met Renee. I can't believe how far we have come. She still has at least one major melt down a day at around 12-2pm. She is very tired then. She all of a sudden wants nothing to do with me and starts calling out mama. If I am able to put her down depending on where we are at I do. She usually cries on the floor and kicks and screams. If I have to hold her she is not violent like she was the first time. You can tell she so wants to pinch or hit me and you see her hold herself back since we have been letting her know that is not exceptable.
Today we went to Safaria Park. I have to say that it is one of the most beautiful zoos I have been to. She seemed to enjoy it. We got to feed the elephants and the giraffes. There was an hour long ride through a part of the park. We enjoyed not having to walk, but the entire ride had someone speaking in Chinese describing what we were seeing. It was so loud and obviously we understood nothing of what was being said. It was amazing how tiring it was to sit in the car and have this voice blaring around you in a language you don't know. I am sure there is some illustration that you could take from this, but really my mind is muss. Her melt down today went well. I was able to put her on the ground and after alittle while, she looked up at me with her hands up saying, "mama" Poor little thing! The confusion and hurt and anger that she is going through. She doesn't want me yet this time even when I put her down she had to be touching me while she pushed away at the same time. She fell asleep right after her meltdown and I had to carry her around while she slept. She really only wanted me today. This is the first day that she hasn't made her rounds to everyone. I can not wait to finally be home and help her feel safe in our home. I feel she is doing so well considering how crazy life is right now. I will leave you with a few pictures. When we were feeding the elephants she didn't want to give her banana to the elephants. She wanted to eat it and she did. She is very independent. I have already learned you don't open the banana for her if you want her to eat it. She won't want it. But if I let her open it her self she will eat the whole thing. You will see of picture of this. You will also see a picture of me finally being able to sit down with a sleeping Renee while everyone is taking a bathroom break. Enjoy!

It's a new day!

We are now in Guangzhou! Plane trip was rough yesterday. We had to say no to Renee about something she wanted and she had a melt down for about 45 min. of the plane ride. Today has been better. The meltdowns don't get as extreme as the last few days and they don't last as long. Truly some sweet moments with her today as well. I had to go and do paper work and left Tim and Nathan with Renee while she was sleeping. She woke up and played some with the boys and started asking for me. So when I was finally done with paperwork I went back to the room and Tim and Renee were in the hallway looking for me. She saw me and got the biggest smile and came running to me with open arms. Bonding is most definitely happening. Thanks for all your prayers they are felt here in China and truly believe that they are making a difference. I know you have been waiting for new pictures so I won't disappoint.

Here is Renee having her first chicken nuggets from McDonald's.

Renee is putting beads around Tim's neck. She already put bracelets on him!

Long day!

Renee was again a different person today. She was much more demanding and instead of listening when we said no she would yell at us. We had a wonderful walk around a park where mostly retired people hang out and exercise. I don't have any pictures today. None were down loaded yet. Renee had many meltdowns and Tim just left the room with her to walk around with her hoping she will stop crying and go to sleep. I feel that bonding is happening and that today even though she is feeling more comfortable with us, it is like she is mad too that she is feeling good emotions for us. She knows it is not what she really wants. We were at stores and Nathan had her. She cried out for me and called me mama and hugged me. Then it was like all of a sudden she realized that I wasn't her foster mom and she started trying to get away from me. I couldn't just put her down and let her work through her meltdown on the sidewalk. So as I held her she started to hit me, pinch me and bite me. She was pulling me hair when Tim finally got to her and he told her to stop. This does not surprise me that she acted this way towards me. Here is a blog post the talks about this very thing happening. She cried for alittle more and then we got in a cab and she stopped crying. Later she is yelling out mama(looking at me)and baba(looking at Tim) with a big smile on her face. One time while we were waiting for elevator, she ran up to me and hugged me and then ran to Tim and hugged him. She knows we are her family. She loved on us lots. Yet it was all too much for her too. She is still crying now and she called out for mama, but I went to her and she shook her head no. She is calling for her foster mom. Breaks my heart. We will leave on a plane to our next city. I don't know what that will do to her. Our guide Sissy has been so good in helping her attach to us. It is truly a God send that she is our guide. Pray that her heart will start letting go of the past and embrace the future. Also pray for me. I think that I am starting to get sick. I started to get a sore throat tonight. Renee has had a cough and runny nose. I think she is passing it to me.

Another day in Nanchang

Today was again a different day with our Renee. She is so smart! She said her first English word, "more!" She then signed it as well. So today I started using the sign for potty. She hasn't used it yet, but when I do it, she goes to the potty on her own. She is doing very well and only have had two diapers to change. She finally found her legs and started to walk around the room. (she has been carried all the time and when we put her down she has what we call rubber legs) We went sight seeing and she even walk around holding our hand. It really was a good morning, but sight seeing is coming at bad times of the day and again we ate lunch too close to her nap time. She started to melt down so we just let our guide hold her. She is a very good guide and is good at telling her in her language that we are her mama and dada and that she is Renee's auntie. Was encouraged by a fellow adoptive parent to not take these two weeks very seriously. I knew we just had to get through lunch and that being so tired she is more comfortable with a Chinese woman. When she put us in a taxi to get back to our hotel, she started crying and finally fell asleep before the cab got to our hotel. Of course she woke up. She wasn't crying at first, but after a little bit she started crying and wouldn't let anyone hold her. So I sat on the floor while she lay there crying. She finally slowed her crying down and found something to play with and then she was back interacting with us. Later she was back giggling and playing and talking to us in Chinese. It is quite funny to watch as she is so serious. She starts to have mean moments, but when we say no (boo is no in Chinese) Forget playing peek-a-boo with this girl.:)), she listened! She fought sleep til 7:00 and finally climbed up in bed with Nathan and pulled the cover up and fell asleep. So that is today! What will she be like tomorrow? We will find out. Enjoy the pictures! We went to a pagoda.

For those of my friends that know the butterfly story look what I found today in the picture above. Yesterday was hard. I was discouraged. We weren't suppose to go to the pagoda until tomorrow. This gave me hope. Thanks God!

Adoption is a process

It has been just 48 hours since we met Renee. So many wonderful things happening. How cute is this!

She had not cried since the first time we met her. But today she had a trigger. I was serving her a veggie at a resturant that we had eaten at before. Look at her eating with chop sticks!

When I was putting it on her plate she started shaking her head no and then pouting and then crying. (not ordering that veggie again!) When I went to take her out of her chair she started trying to get away from me. Then when I tried walking around with her she started calling out for mama(foster mama). Took awhile to get her to calm down. It was a bad time to eat lunch as she was getting sleepy. When we got back to the room I thought she would go to sleep, but instead it turned into a fun giggle play with daddy time. He was a human jungle gym. Felt like she was avoiding me some. I totally understand, but it is still hard to see. Then her temper came out and the fun turned into biting and pinching. Scary at times to see what we will be dealing with when we get home. She is so amazing. Very beautiful and so smart. I feel so blessed to be her mommy, but I know that we have some big ground to cover as far as things that she has been allowed to do for these first two years of her life. The triggers that are to coming and this transition time. I need to go back to how I was dealing with the wait to leave for China and that is to take one day at a time. Over all it is going so much better than I thought it would. She sleep through the night and is so happy so much sooner than I thought she would be. She talks up a storm. For my friends who remember me saying, I thought it would be a long time til I would hear her talk. I have to keep reminding myself how short of a time we have had her. It seems so much longer than it really has been. She has been amazing to watch. So much has happened and change is constant. She is napping now. I am just trying to process things thanks for listening. Thanks for your prayers!

She became officially our daughter today!!

Yesterday and today went better than I ever imagined! She cried and called out for her mama which broke my heart. There was no way to help her. She went through a time (and still is at times) of not looking me in the eyes. She pushed away any toys and wanted nothing to do with any of the ways I was trying to distract her from her crying. So I just held her. She was like a rag doll. Needless to say my arms are very sore today and feel like jello. She has not cried since she went through her hour and a half of crying. She slept through the night. When she woke up, she just laid there for the longest time and didn't cry. We had to quickly get ready to go to the civil affairs office to sign the paper work that says we are officially her parents. Again whirlwind of events. We signed some papers, but I wasn't sure if there was more things to sign or not and didn't find out til later, when they handed us our certificate, that we had already signed the official paperwork that said she was ours. We finally have a few hours to relax until we have to leave again to go and start the process for her visa to get into the US. We will then have 3 days of free time to wait for this.
Right now Renee is sleeping. What can I tell you about what we have learned about her so far.... She likes to be held, (ok by me!), she is potty trained, she will drink water from a bottle, but has not taken formula yet, even though they said she use to have 2 bottles a day, she is not eating much yet, but she loves cherrios and will even feed us too(we had fun with this this morning!), she likes to be held :), she is a spicy girl(meaning she has a temper, doesn't come out often yet, but just the little we have seen and the paper work that describes her, we are in trouble :),
and she is still grieving, but not through crying, more of the shell shock look when we have to leave the room. Enjoy the pictures! I know that is really why you have come to my blog!

Here we are signing the official paper work that I didn't know until later that this was it! :)

This last picture is with our guide, Sissi, and the assistant director of the orphanage where Renee lived. I am very sad that I didn't get to meet the director and that really there were no questions I could ask, because she is not the one that took care of her. Also found out that our photo album and the letter we sent to the foster mom never got to the orphanage. I don't understand, but nothing I can do about it. Many things I wish could have happened differently. So much to process. Thanks for your prayers and wonderful comments you have shared. I know you have been praying mostly for Renee, but if I could ask that some of those prayers come toward me as well as I am not sleeping well. Just so much happening and having a hard time relaxing at night to sleep. I am doing ok on the sleep I am getting, but it makes for long and frustrating nights. Thanks! Need to eat and then off to our next event!

On the Other Side of Mt. Everest!

We got off the plane around 2pm. We found out she was already at the hotel. It was a 45 min. drive from the airport. They let us go to the room and get our things together. It was around 4:30 that we went the the conference room to meet Renee. She just stared at us for awhile and then the crying started. She cried for around an hour or more and then just went to a soft sobbing cry. We had to go and finish paperwork and she seemed serious and kinda shell shocked. Came back up to the room and after drinking water from a bottle she started coming to life. At first she would not look me in the eyes, which I expected. But she quickly came to life and even let Nathan hold her on his lap. We ate at hotel and she fell asleep in my arms and she is now sleeping in the crib. My arms feel like jello right now. I will be pulling out the baby front carrier tomorrow. We have to leave at 8:30am tomorrow to sign the documents to make her officially our daughter. Seriously everything has happened so fast I have not had time to process it yet. I know you want the pictures so that is all the matters now!

Time for bed. I have no idea what tonight and tomorrow will be like. Good night!

Tomorrow is the day!

Sorry for taking so long to post. Jetlag is a horrible. I am feeling much better today and can finally compose some kind of thoughts. We had no issues with our plane trips over to Beijing. We got in at about midnight on the 15th and went to bed. We went to the Great Wall, Jade factory and a rickshaw tour of an old part of China.

Today we went to Tinamin Square and the forbidden city.

It is Saturday evening and time for me to try and sleep. We have been kept so busy that I have hardly had time to get to think about what is going to be happening tomorrow. I have a feeling that that is the idea. Give us time to get over the worst of the jetlag(Last two nights I have had a hard time taking care of myself, let alone our daughter) and give us something to do so our minds are distracted. I have caught myself a few times on the edge of tears today. Not sure what I will feel as I go to bed and have time to think about it. We leave our hotel tomorrow morning at 8:15 to catch our plane and then around 4:30 am (your time) we will meet our daughter! Next post will be us with our daughter! Still hard to believe that this is really happening. Thanks for your comments and your prayers. Pray for Renee as you read this. Her whole life is getting turned upside down tomorrow. She doesn't yet understand that we are her forever family.

China, here we come!!

No time to write much. I should be in bed right now. Our printer ran out of ink and my wonderful husband went to get more. I have to copy pages out of my sons text book so he can take it to study. Also my kids will need it while we are gone. We leave at 4:30 tomorrow morning. That is 6 hours away!! I am feeling pretty good right now. Not extreme excitement or panic. I think peace would be the best word. And alittle disbelief that it is really happening. Confirmed flights. Not much more to do and off to bed. Next post will be in China! I will warn you. My husband may be the one to write. I may have a hard time composing my thoughts and I have already told him he may have to be the writer. Good night all!

7 Days until we leave for China!

Believe it or not my "to do list" is pretty short right now. A week or two ago I had to make a list of everything I could think of that needed to get done so I would stop waking up in the morning in a near panic afraid that I would forget to do something. This list has included adoption related issues, but it has also had things like, filling out my graduating sons financial aid form, purchasing his cap and gown, enrolling my kids in 4-H, leaving a schedule for my parents so they can continue life here at home for our kids, etc. Don't get me wrong. I know that there are those last minute things that are going to come that is going to have me running around like crazy, but it feels good to know that we are making good progress.
We learned some very sad news last week. Our daughter is in an orphanage, but it is broken down into apartment like settings. There are 5 children living in an apartment with a husband and wife living there as foster parents. They have been Renee's foster parents since she was abandoned. We can tell in the videos that we have received that she is very attached to her foster mom. As I have read attachment books and discussions about signs of good attachment, I have seen little glimces of it in these small clips of her life. We received an update that read: Her Group Home parents recently quit their job because they have to go home and take care of their older sick mom. They left on February 15 this year. Ling Wan Ya is very attached to the Group Home parents. She was upset for their leaving. She is adjusting to the new Group Home parents, but she still grieves and misses them. This is a big change in her life and I think her adoptive family should know about this and get some preparation for this since they are coming soon. My heart just sunk when I read these words. She wasn't to start grieving until I was there with her. How confusing is it going to be as she is again left in the arms of a stranger a month after foster parents left her? As much as I have long for the day we finally meet our daughter, there area realities that I need to face and that is that it is going to be hard. We have had the adoption training. We have looked at the losses Renee will experience. We have looked at the losses that we as a family will experience. I read a blog this morning that really put things into perspective. My 18 year old son just walked by and said "what are we doing?" He just walked into her room to empty the trash and had not been in there for awhile and alot had changed. He was being silly and wanted to get a rise out of me. My sons like joking around about all the pink in our house now. But he is right. We all have no idea what we are getting ourselves into. I do not want to get so caught up in emotions that I don't face the reality that life is about to change. I am glad my list is short. I need to slow down and enjoy my family of 6 for 7 more days. I am planning on taking each one out for a one on one time before we leave. I want them to know that I love them so much. I will need to give extra attention to Renee when we bring her home, but that will never change my love for my sons. I have enjoyed being a mom of all boys. She will be adding to our family in new ways. I truly believe even the really hard days ahead will bring about good in our family. It is going to change us and grow us in ways that would never had happened if we never adopted. She is our daughter/sister! She is apart of us and we can't wait to find what our new normal will be. We are so ready to love on this precious girl and go through the grief and the joy with her. I can never truly be 100% prepared, but I am trying to balance my excitement and joy with a dose of reality. This will be hard. This will not be a joyous reunion for her. I need to give myself grace on the days that are overwhelming and remember that this is a season. We will get through it and the hard days will be so worth it. "We love you Renee and we can't wait to experience life with you and be a family. We won't be complete until you are here!"