My Blog Friends

I have thought about this post for awhile. I have been concerned with how I might come across to people. But I decided that since my focus is on failed adoptions, most of my audience will understand.
Most of the blogs I follow are families that have experienced failed adoptions. (Not all. I have several that have brought their children home and they give valuable info of what to expect.) I go to my blog friends and read words that bring comfort because I usually can relate to their posts. Sometimes it is such a relief to know I am not alone in what I am feeling or how I am acting. I check almost everyday to see how their journey is going. I am so thankful for each one of my blog friends. I feel a connection even though I have never met them. I have wonderful local friends who have been a great support to me. I need these people in my life and I am so thankful for them, but they don't understand they way my blog friends do. The blogs I follow, we all come from different backgrounds, are families that have gone through similar things, but I can not claim to understand all they have gone through. I will never know some of the pain that they have experienced, but one thing we have in common. We all have a child that was born in our hearts years ago. There is an ache in our heart that will not heal until we are united with this child. Let me explain. My life is rich and full and I want to enjoy life to the fullest. I have joy and peace, yet there is a pain there that I can not explain. It is not there all the time and the further away I get from the failed adoption the less the ache. Sometimes out of the blue though it is like a sucker punch in my stomach.
There is really no guarantee that we will ever get to this child. I know of families that after Nepal closed they could not financially change countries. I pray that they are finding healing, but will the ache completely go away? I know that this will be it for us if this 2nd adoption would fail. You see we can't afford to wait years for an adoption to work and I am not talking about just the financial aspect. We have 4 boys ages 17, 14, 13 and 9 that anxiously await a little sister. At the same time we can't continue to put our life on hold for much longer. We hold vacation time so we can travel to adopt. This is the last year we can do this. As hard as it is for me to believe, my boys will all be moving on in their own life soon. We need to build more family memories. I pray it will be with our little girl, but if not, we must go on. We hold off on braces for two of them until our paper work is final so we don't mess up our financial status. We have an empty room that I need to know what to do with. We had just moved boys to a new room in the basement one week before Nepal closed. Right now their old room is just collecting stuff. If it will not be a room for our daughter than I am sure we can put it to better use than a storage room. There are hard decisions that have to be made on this journey. I have read the hard decisions others have had to make and reading their words help ground me and put things into prospective.
Our family is now adopting from China, but right now I just don't feel like trying to connect with new China blogs that are in process. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if a family has only been in process or adopted from a country that is working "smoothly" (I say this a bit tongue and cheek) and following a working plan, I just don't feel a strong connection. I pray someday I will be enjoying the excitement of adoption, but right now I just can't bring myself to join a forum or read new blogs. I don't feel like I can explain this without sounding pathetic or offending someone. I hope someone can relate to this. Maybe someone can explain my emotions better than me.:) I will follow China blogs of those who were adopting from Nepal, so for now this is where I will get info that I need for the future.
If you have experienced a failed adoption or a very long wait with a lot of unknowns that is reading this and you don't have a blog I follow, what is your story? I would love to hear it.
To all my blog friends: thanks for being real and sharing your heart! You have touched mine deeply. I hope someday I will meet some of you. I know several of you have talked with me about getting together after we have been united with our child. I long for the day that I read on your blog that you have been referred a child and have brought them home. I want to celebrate with you even if I never get to my child.