Where's Waldo

I can't post on your blog! (you know who you are)It has been driving me crazy for awhile now. Please send me a way to contact you!! I won't publish the info you give me. My heart is hurting for you.

Thoughts

Several blog post ago I shared some art work of my oldest son. So now it is time to share some art work from my second oldest.

My two oldest sons couldn't be more opposite, yet they share some artistic talent. My oldest struggles with detail, yet when it comes to being able to be creative he is very detailed. Having an outlet for his creativity has helped him handle the more detailed classes. My second oldest is very detailed yet can struggle with being creative and the art class he was involved in last year really helped him to branch out. My two oldest, it seemed for the longest time hated each other. We had the 1st and 3rd room together and the 2nd and 4th share a room. A few years ago my husband felt it was time for the two oldest to share a room together and start having some indepence from the younger two. I wasn't too sure how that would go. I thought they might kill each other, but it has been the best thing. They actually like each other now.
I homeschool all my boys, but I am so thankful that I live in a school system that allows them to take a few classes. It is not so much that I want to shield my boys from public school. I have nothing against the public schools. My boys learn differently. They would have been so discouraged in the public school. We have been able to teach the way that makes sense to them. My oldest will be involved in a college career center at the high school next year and my second child is taking a drawing and spanish I class. It will mean driving time for me unless we decide to buy a car for the oldest, but we can't even consider that yet until the adoption happens.
This week has been very hard emotionally. There is so much bad news in the adoption world. It is just so overwhelming. Ukraine government is shutting the adoptions down starting July 11th. Ethoipia is going at a snails pace and families are waiting so long for referrals and such a long time for court dates. Families in Vietnam received referrals in 2008 and since the country closed down they have yet to bring home their children. 65 families have been waiting since 2009 to bring their children home from Kyrgyzstan. Philippines have had over 2 years wait for referrals. Rwanda is trying to meet the Hague standards, but in the process the families that are ready for a referrals are possiblely going to suffer. They have six months to receive a referral or their file will be closed. Seriously?! It is more than I want to even know. And yes, we still wait for a referral. Sometimes I just want to go and hide my head in the sand. Maybe I can pretend I don't know all this, but there is no way I can do that. I want to give up at times. I feel like there is no one to turn to. Our government is clearly looking the other way. Why must the innocent children suffer? I can't give up. I don't know how I can help, but I will not forget what is going on around the country. There are so many times in history that the unthinkable is happening and after years of struggle freedom is found. I can not give up the fight for the orphans and especially for my daughter. Please know that everyone of you that I have touched on in my references to struggles in the adoption world are in my prayers. You are not forgotten. We will keep moving forward. We have to. Our children our depending on us.

Sunburst!!!

Today our whole family ran in the Sunburst in South Bend, IN. The finsh line is inside the football stadium! Obviously Norte Dame football is big around here and it is a very cool thing to do this. It is the first time I have been in the stadium. My husband ran the 10K. My 4 boys and I ran in the 5K. It was my youngest son's first time to attempt a 5K. I ran with him the whole way and he did awesome! I am so proud of him. He didn't stop once!
I have not been a runner for very long. I started it around the same time that we started our adoption journey. Let me tell you I do not like to get on the treadmill. I had a friend who accidently called it the dreadmill, slip of the tongue? :) Most of the time my body is telling me to stop and not go on. When you run, you sometimes want to give up. Just like there are many times on this adoption journey I have wanted to give up. There is something about running that helps me put things in my life into prospective. When I am very discouraged I jump on my treadmill and problems don't seem as big when I get done. Running is such a mind game. When I win the mind game in running, I also have the added benifit of winning the battle emotionally and spiritually as well.
It was such a rush to do this with my family. I know it doesn't seem like a fun thing to do, but I have not felt such joy and contentment as I do right now in a very long time. Life is good! I have so much to be thankful for. Hmmm! When is the next race in our area?!:)

Disappointments

It has taken me awhile to write this post, partly because of issues with Google, blogspot or blogger. I really don't know who is to blame. All I can say is that it ticked me off, but it has given a chance for emotions to calm down and after many days of putting it off, I am now ready to reflect on last week. I have been pondering how much to share. How real should I be? I am a pretty open person. I think part of it is therapy for me and also know that many of you are facing or have faced some of the same things and can relate.
We were able to be a part of the group of children that were released last month to be matched with families. Our phone did ring and our agency said they had a girl for us to consider. I was guarded from the beginning. I could tell from her voice that when they made the match they weren't sure if this was a good fit for us. She gave me the info on the little girl and asked if we wanted to look at her file and consider her. There were two special needs. One was one that we had checked on our list the other was not. We have chosen minor needs on all the issues we have checked on our list. The agency was not sure if the issue was minor or a major. The other issue had many unknowns. Do we look at the file and fall in love with the picture and possible have to say no or do we just say no we don't want to look at it because of all the unknowns? I just couldn't say no. What if the issues did turn out to be minor and we never checked into them? So we got her file and started researching and sent the info to a doctor to evaluate. Our research found that both issues were minor and we started to open our hearts to this little girl. But when we got the medical review we again were concerned. She brought up issues that we did not see ourselves and things were turning into more developmental issues than physical medical issues. It is so hard to make the decision to say no to a beautiful child that needs a family, but I know my limitations and my family dynamics. I could not meet the needs she has and there is a family out there who can. For many days I had been preparing for a joyous celebration. Instead I was tearfully making the call to our agency that we need to say no to this little girl. So many emotions went on those few days. Feelings of being a coward, why we had to get a referral that we would have to say no to, and will I ever be comfortable enough to say yes. Fear and failure. Not fun words. You see many adoption blogs that take on these children and children with greater needs than this. Shouldn't I have the courage to move forward? Am I really going to be able to handle the hard issues of adoption? Adoption is not for the faint of heart. We made the best choice for our family. We just have to move forward now. I need to stay strong. Our daughter needs us.
It has been three and half years since we said yes we want to adopt. We thought it would be chose a country find an agency and we would be united with our daughter. It has been a journey I never could have imagined. My heart has been broken so many times. My faith has been shaken. What do you do when the God you thought you knew is turning into something so different. So many people want to give you encouraging words. They use certain phrases. We all have heard them. I have decided that if a person has not faced certain crisis in their life and not had to put into practice themselves the words they are saying, then they have no business saying them to you. I believed, before all the heart aches, the phrases people say. I said them myself. No matter if there is truth in what they say or not, life does not fit into nice little packages. I really wrestled through some issues. There is not space nor do most of you want to hear all that has gone through my mind. I will just say that it may look a little different now, but my faith is strong. I look at those phrases people say differently now. Do people really listen to themselves? Do people know if what they are saying is from the bible or is it just a nice sounding phrase they heard and started believing without really looking into the truth of it or not. I am more careful what I say now. Frankly, when it comes to crisis situations, it is better to say nothing at all. Life does not have simple answers.
One more disappointment to share...I will not go into detail, but another mistake has been made that I did not do that could delay us getting a referral. We could still get a referral at anytime, but because of this issue it may be late July before we get matched. Frankly, I did not cry or get extremely angry. It is getting comical in a way.(insert sarcasm) My 9 year old son woke up yesterday morning and the first thing he said to me was, "So did we get more bad news about adoption?" Wow! What do you say to that.