7 Months ago...

It has been 7 months now since I received the call from my case worker informing me that adoptions from Nepal were suspended. I still remember sitting down in the nearest chair in shock. My husband was home and was working in the garage and he saw me crying and left the door open so he could see in. He kept working, but knew that it was not good the news I was getting. I remember just sitting in the living room together after the phone call, just numb asking so many "why" questions. We needed to go to the store to buy a wedding present and we walked around the store so apathetic. We had lost a lot of money and had been so carefully saving for the last half of the adoption costs. We just wondered what was the point of saving anymore. We thought, "let's just make a big purchase." Saving didn't matter anymore, right? We only walked out with a cd each. Why I even brought it I didn't know. Music is a big part of my life and that day it just died and I didn't listen to my regular music for a month. That cd I bought was completely different than what I usually listen to. I really didn't care about it and it was days later until I listened to it. It became all I listened to. It had a song that put words to my grief. I listened to it over and over again. I thank God for bringing this song to me when He knew I needed it, when all other music died in my heart.



Today I went out and got the newspaper and realized I didn't get Saturday's mail. How wonderful to find what I found in that mail box on a day that brings back memories of the pain. Getting this piece of mail is pushing me to look to the future. The pain of the past will be there and it is a part of this journey, but this journey is not over. Thanks God for the reminder. I just mailed on Feb. 18th our I-800a form. Today's piece of mail was from USCIS and it had our fingerprint appointment! I have been praying that it would at least be scheduled before the end of the month. Our appointment is for March 18th!! If you know anything about the adoption world, then you understand that this is huge. Nothing moves very quick with government agencies, but this did.

When you experience a failed adoption you look at things alittle differently than you did the first time around. You don't know whether you can trust the process to really work. You don't want to get your hopes up to have your heart broken again. You feel you have to guard your heart. You see things are working right now, but you know from past experience that tomorrow could bring bad news that you never expected. Every little thing going right gives your emotions a boost in the right direction. So I will enjoy today even though when I woke up this morning my heart was heavy and even though tomorrow could bring bad news. My heart is a little lighter right now. I will choose to enjoy this moment.

Somewhere

I recently went to a Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant concert. When I heard this song I thought of our journey to our daughter and the many families that I know who are waiting for their child. When I heard the first verse, I thought of all the families that have gone and met their child and had to say goodbye for any number of reasons. Some have to go home and wait for the paper work to be finished and they don't know if it will be weeks or months until they hold their child again. Some leave, like the many Nepal families, wondering if the government will ever grant their request for a visa. It breaks my heart to think of the many families still waiting for their Nepalese children.
Some of us have experienced a failed adoption and we continue on this wait for our child. I love some of the phrases in this song, "I will find a way to find you, a heart that is waiting, it may take some time, I'll wait for you."
This is dedicated to all the families that are waiting to find their child and bring them home. The wait has been much longer than any of us expected, but may we find the courage to continue on.

Where are we at in our new adoption path?

Aug. 6th 2010, we got the call that the DOS had suspended adoptions from Nepal.  We had spent 20 months apart of this program and it all came to a crashing halt.  We didn't see it coming.  Things were finally moving with the Nepal government.  Referrals and travel approval were being issued.  We thought things might be finally getting into some kind of routine.  The DOS had given warnings, but I always thought it was warnings about the Nepal government.  I didn't realize they were warning us about our own government.  80 families with referrals were allowed to continue.  Last I heard 56 families are still waiting for their visa so they can bring their child home. Some have been in Nepal since August! 
On Oct. 8, my mother-in-law passed away after battling cancer.  She died very quickly and thankfully with little pain.  We were in no position to make a decision on what we should do next when it came to adoption.  As time has passed we have researched special needs and risks of countries and now with a better understanding on how other agencies work, we have changed agencies and our homestudy is being updated to China's requirements and should be ready in a couple of weeks.
Paper chase is a funny thing.  You think I would be use to it by now, but you find yourself so ready to sit down and tackle it yet you are at the mercy of other people.  I could sit down and in a matter of days, weeks get the forms filled out.  Problem is that you have to wait for other people along the way.  So you hurry and fill out forms and then you wait.  You get that back and then you can work on the next step.  You hurry up with the forms and then you wait.  It goes on like this for months. I am not a very organized person.  I work great under pressure.  So even though I could be getting some forms done, I just don't have the motivation to do them when there seems to be no point to it since I don't have back what I need.  Really?  Can I really do this paper chase again? 
I follow several blogs of families that were also apart of the Nepal program. Most of them have made a decision about what to do next.  Some of them have experienced even more adoption failures.  They understand how I feel right now. When you have a failed adoption you don't look at the next adoption the same way.  The first time you are all excited and want to meet other families that are in your agency, in the same program.  You talk about being paper pregnant and find the jewelry that says this or has a picture of the country you are adopting from.  I really don't know how to feel right now.
So here I wait.....waiting for the call that my adoption agency has received my homestudy and made corrections and then wait for my homestudy agency to make the corrections that our adoption agency ask for and then....Our homestudy will be done! and I will hurry up again :).......and wait........

My hope for this blog....

We recently experienced a failed international adoption.  It was heart breaking.  I longed for a gathering place where others who had gone through the same thing could meet and share their experiences.  I will share where we are at on our journey to bring our daughter home from China, but I also will be taking the time to look at the crisis that international adoption is experiencing right now.  I know there will be people who will disagree with me.  There are many families who have had wonderful experiences adopting and have no idea the heart break that is going on.  I see many families that feel more families should rise up to adopt.  This is true, but more than money is stopping people right now.  There are many countries that are a huge risk to adopt from.  Three countries in the last few years have been shut down by our government.  bothendsburning.org  is an organization that is fighting to save international adoption.  They want to help change the laws so that more children can find their forever families.  Too many families are having to wait years for a referral or years after a referral to bring their children home.  These children spend far too long in the orphanages before they are finally united with their family.  In our case we will never meet our Nepali princess.  It breaks my heart that so many children were left behind.  It is time for a change!  I hope that this will be a place that we can unit and comfort each other on our journeys.